i have to move on

i have to choose now. to move on or im juz gonna b stuck here til forever. deepn inside my heart, i too wanna feel happy again, i wanna smile again, but i don't wanna choose somebody new juz bcoz im afraid 2b alone, selfish to make myself happy, where at da same time, im juz gonna hurt that new person who truly care for me. i know i have to move on. but i don't wanna choose this new path juz bcoz i need to think of sum1 else so dat i can forget u. now i hv dis 2 wonderful guy whom be nice to me. both want me to make decision with my future. honestly, i won't choose any of them coz i feel like deep inside, i'm only gonna hurt them cuz i'm not doing it bcoz i love them. i'm a bad person. i don't deserve any of them. i'm sorry for not being able to move on yet.

saya masih idop

dear my love, i still love you and still deeply thinking of you....
i can see that you have move on with your life. and i think i should too...but i'm afraid of moving, afraid if i will only make another mistake that i will regret.
the one thing that i regret the most is when i choose to be close to you between my life. did you know that i've lost everything of who i was just because of this. now i'm stuck here, in this place where i personally choose, just because i thought that i can be with you. but you never there for me...it's funny how close we are yet we never see each other. skrg sy disini, d tempat yang sgt asing bg sy, seorg diri, sekalipun awk xperna dtg jumpa sy...kesian sy...dan sy harus teruskan jg hidup ini utk 13 mgu y akn dtg. sy sedih sbb sy rasa menyesal pilih utk tgal disini hanya utk terkurung seorg diri disini. skrg baru sy sedar tak ad spe pun igt ttg sy, x ada spe pun y kesian kn sy, sy je y bodoh selama ni menanti dan terus menanti awak....haha

kecewa

2.40 am,18 jan 11
ya tuhan...semalam dia pengsan? dan ak lgsung tidak perna tau ttg hal itu. tp skrg bila dh tau rasa geram sgt dgn dia! npe dia degil sgt. npe suka susahkn diri! npe buat benda2 y leh memudaratkan diri sdiri! awk tu xsihat. cubala dok diam dan berehat! jgn cepat putus asa. anggapni baru sikit cubaan dr DIA. HE juz want 2c hw we act, hw we handle it. tp igtla y tuhan 2 sgt sygkan kamu. org risau dgn dia. npe dia xhbs2 pikirkan org len dan slalu abaikn kesihatan diri tu. cubala dok diam! eee....!!! geram sgt! klu org ad dgn dia, dah lama org ikat dia soh dok diam2! huuuu...plis take care of yourself...i wud oways be there for u all the time wether u need me or not! huu
dan y plg ak geram dan kecewa, ak hampir2 terpanggil dia pa...huu...nyaris2 tersasul...ak tau klu ak pgil camtu dia mesti akn bertambah sedih....jgnla sedih2 tau...im ok, im fine....i still can handle dis...n u shud too...my mission : make u hepi and smile oways...

livestrong

dulu org perna gtau dia, org xkn boley tdo selagi xwish gudnite kn? ni pn xde bezanya...dh bpe lama xwish u gudnite...n hw do i get to sleep at nite? well d answer is i don't ...i don't sleep...dh jd mcm panda je plk..haha...klu kuar,mesti kna mekap tebal sbb muka dh lesu sgt...haha
tp buknla xtdo lgsung, dun wori...i sleep while praying for your happiness and your prosperous life....be strong, believe in yourself, hv a lil faith in urself...u cn fight it! ;)

pengakuanku (tajuk mesti kna bes) hee

1st of all, tujuan surat nie bukn nk bg diasedeh or tension....jus rasa nk sembang2 dgn dia...dah dua bulan cuti, dua bulan jg xde sembang pe sgt dgn dia...
nov 29 2010 - org igt lg tarikh ni sbb dis is da last time we evr yming each other as n item...also da day when we r officially tru... :( pd tarikh ni jg dia gtau y dia dh kua dgn org len...xpela, org xslhkn dia. sket pun tak.percayalah..btw,she's cute ;)hee

dh lama xsembang2 dgn dia...rindu? dat could not even describe how i feel now. last few days,baca horoskop...hee...dan horoskop tu ckp org patut tulis emel dan gtau dia ap y org rasa sbnrnya...(ok, horoskop tu tulis,dia x ckp pn..huu) org stiasa risau sgt psai dia tau...skali dia sedeh, org 1000x lg rasa sedeh. org sbnrnya tau, dia sengaja wat mcm2 nk bg org xsuka dgn dia kn? tp 1je benda y slalu wat org bertahan slama ni pn. org pcaya evn skali dia perna wat org hepi, seribu kali org akn cuba wat dia rasa btol2 hepi mcm y org rasa. igtkn selama ni org dh bjaya wat dia hepidan lupa sket2 mslh dia...tp last2, camni jdnya. kita dh makin jauh antara satu sama lain kn? maybe im a quiter...maaf klu org xberjaya wat dia hepi. maaf klu org xmampu kotakan kata2 ni. mlm tu, lps dia kata y dia makin terok sbb org...org rasa sgt bersalah. dan kata2 tu jg y mjadi wake up call utk org sedar y selama ni org slalu wat dia susah. mungkin selama ni org pikir org tgh berusaha utk bg dia hepi, tp rupanya tak. org dh byk wat dia susah pd masa y sama.
honestly, org rasa sblom ni org leh d anggap selfish. sbb pentingkan kebahagiaan sdiri. org senang bila bsama dgn dia. jd org xnk kehilangan dia. tp lps dia ckp camtu, bru org sedar, mungkin dh smpai masanya org berhenti mjadi org y penting diri. bila dia ckp "we must stop here" org patutnya respect keputusan dia. org patutnya lebih pk kan hati dan perasaan dia plk.

stp ap y dia perna wat utk org slama ni, xperna org lupakn. org sgt bterima kasih. org rasa sgt btuah at least dpt knl a great person like u... :)
klu x silap, 1st dia gtau y dia xsehat, masa tu buln 4. after knowing dat, org byk bca kt web, i evn join ym group tau...a lot of nice n concern ppl who worry bout me (coz they tot i m da 1who hv it) hee..but they were nice to me...

31 aug 2010 - hey,stil remember dis day??? haha...dis one really funny! hepi sgt dia bwa org g i-city...wat a fun n memorable journey! tgk bunga api dgn dia...kter byk snap pic sna sni...n on dat nite...dgn xsengaja ad vid tu? igt x? haha...adoyai...btw, time 2 buln puasa kn? sbb kter ad g buka puasa reramai kn? but seyesli sgt enjoy la time 2, one of my most memorable experience tuh... :) nk tau ap y lg y memorable? hee

skrg bila dh cmni, xtau ap y org leh wat utk kurgkan tekanan or wat dia tsenyum lg...stp kali nk bcakap dgn dia, risau kot masa y xsesuai....org lak jenis byk tnya, risau kot org akn wat lg serabot lak...pcayalah, org bukn nk ignore dia...slalu je amik kesah ttg dia...slalu je tgk update2 dr dia...kdg 2 rasa cam nk write sumtg kt fb dia, tp terigt dlu klu org post ap2 dia mesti delete...huu...mungkin xsemua...tp ad je...huu

fyi, dlu kn msa sem bpe ntah, 1st time kter g library sama2 kn, dia ad bg org gula2...tp bukn kt org je, kt org len pun dia ad bg jg...tp kt org dia bg dua :) igt x? evn tu hnya gula2 biasa, but not for me. smpai skrg org stil simpan tau wrapper gula2 tu...hee

~to be continue~

apa salah saya?

hari ni hari hari terakhir awak kat sini. tp awak blk diam2, awak pergi xgtau sy pun. awak buat slide ttg pengalaman awk spjg belajar di sini, dan saya awak tulis "friends" not even good friend or close friends. sy pelik kenapa awak bersungguh2 xnk kita berkawan lg. dgn org lain awak ok je, awk boleh bergurau senda berbls komen dll...tp dgn sy, awk dh buat sy rasa mcm sampah. sy maafkan awk ttg hal y satu tu. sy pun xnk igt lg. tp sy tertanya2 ap slh sy smpai awk buat semua ni? kerasnya hati awk sanggup biar sy lalui semua ni. sy kenal awak. sy xkesah ap semua org kata ttg awak dan ap org pikir ttg sy. sy tetap percaya awak dan maafkan awak.

awak nk tau x, dh dua tiga hari kwn2 sy ni berperangai pelik. semua tgk sy semacam je. buat sy pikir mcm sy ni ada AIDS ke smpai camtu skali semua org avoid sy. skrg sy tgk semua org "celebrate" kejayaan kisah cinta diorg. tp sy? sy masih tgu awak dan menipu diri sendiri lg. sy dpt rasa mcm2 org bercakap d belakang sy. semua org kata sy bodoh dan menyedihkan. tp xpe awak, sy xkesah. sy tau ap y sy buat xslh dan xsakitkan spe2. lately sy sakit je belakang bila bnafas. maybe sbb stress sgt kot. tp sy rasa sy dh letih sgt dh awk, nk hadapi semua ni sorg diri. letih. letih sgt2. sy nk lupakan semua ni dan bgun seperti biasa.

setahun dr skrg kta akan convo. itu jelah hrpan sy peluang utk jumpa awak lg. xpe. sy akan tgu masa tu. sy harap kita akan bertemu lg. jaga diri dan kesihatan awak selalu. take care... :)
tp sy masih tertanya2 pd diri sdiri ap slh sy?

i hope you are happy too

how could you ever do this to me?

finally, you have the courage to tell me the truth, that you cheated on me. now it's 3:05 a.m, nov 29th we are officially through. even though you did not tell it to my face, but at least you have stop lying to me. i really don't want this to happen. i am so deeply in love with you. but still you want to let me go. i have give you a chance to be part of my life and you say no. so i don't want to beg anymore. my heart you've shattered. i hope i can be okay in the future with all the little pieces that was left.

and for you my dear love, it is okay with me. i will never hold grunge against you. you deserve the best in your life. i hope she can make you happier than i ever could. it is alright if you have found yourself someone new. i really wish you all the best in life and hope you will always be true to yourself. yeah i agree with you. life is tough. and you taught me how tough it can be.