apa salah saya?

hari ni hari hari terakhir awak kat sini. tp awak blk diam2, awak pergi xgtau sy pun. awak buat slide ttg pengalaman awk spjg belajar di sini, dan saya awak tulis "friends" not even good friend or close friends. sy pelik kenapa awak bersungguh2 xnk kita berkawan lg. dgn org lain awak ok je, awk boleh bergurau senda berbls komen dll...tp dgn sy, awk dh buat sy rasa mcm sampah. sy maafkan awk ttg hal y satu tu. sy pun xnk igt lg. tp sy tertanya2 ap slh sy smpai awk buat semua ni? kerasnya hati awk sanggup biar sy lalui semua ni. sy kenal awak. sy xkesah ap semua org kata ttg awak dan ap org pikir ttg sy. sy tetap percaya awak dan maafkan awak.

awak nk tau x, dh dua tiga hari kwn2 sy ni berperangai pelik. semua tgk sy semacam je. buat sy pikir mcm sy ni ada AIDS ke smpai camtu skali semua org avoid sy. skrg sy tgk semua org "celebrate" kejayaan kisah cinta diorg. tp sy? sy masih tgu awak dan menipu diri sendiri lg. sy dpt rasa mcm2 org bercakap d belakang sy. semua org kata sy bodoh dan menyedihkan. tp xpe awak, sy xkesah. sy tau ap y sy buat xslh dan xsakitkan spe2. lately sy sakit je belakang bila bnafas. maybe sbb stress sgt kot. tp sy rasa sy dh letih sgt dh awk, nk hadapi semua ni sorg diri. letih. letih sgt2. sy nk lupakan semua ni dan bgun seperti biasa.

setahun dr skrg kta akan convo. itu jelah hrpan sy peluang utk jumpa awak lg. xpe. sy akan tgu masa tu. sy harap kita akan bertemu lg. jaga diri dan kesihatan awak selalu. take care... :)
tp sy masih tertanya2 pd diri sdiri ap slh sy?

i hope you are happy too

how could you ever do this to me?

finally, you have the courage to tell me the truth, that you cheated on me. now it's 3:05 a.m, nov 29th we are officially through. even though you did not tell it to my face, but at least you have stop lying to me. i really don't want this to happen. i am so deeply in love with you. but still you want to let me go. i have give you a chance to be part of my life and you say no. so i don't want to beg anymore. my heart you've shattered. i hope i can be okay in the future with all the little pieces that was left.

and for you my dear love, it is okay with me. i will never hold grunge against you. you deserve the best in your life. i hope she can make you happier than i ever could. it is alright if you have found yourself someone new. i really wish you all the best in life and hope you will always be true to yourself. yeah i agree with you. life is tough. and you taught me how tough it can be.

heartless

as usual, i cannot sleep well. i woke up early but i force myself to continue sleeping because i hate waking up. the moment i open my eyes, tears falling down. every time i cry, my lips will get dry. every time i smile, this dry lips of mine will crack and bleed. and when it bleed, people will know that i have cried again. how can you be so heartless and do this to me?
how long will i have to put on this poker face? i feel like an absolute clown. now you never seems to bother about me at all. but why can't i feel the same way about you too? for all i know, this is all started from you. help me to understand why you hate me so much. tell me that i have been a bad person and the things that i have done wrong. it is better to be blame for all the wrong you did rather than be blame for something you did not do at all.

sad doesn't describe this at all

it's been quite sometime since my last blog. been quite busy for this is my last semester here and with my thesis to complete and everything. i have neglecting my "terompah besi" for months now...huu

now, i am back to where i used to be. lost and confuse with how you feel about me.you have been ignoring me for weeks now. sometime i wish to let go of everything and forget all about us. but i can't. what ever i do, it always lead me back to you. i cannot stop thinking about you. how can you be so cruel and left me wondering all alone about all of this. seriously, i don't know where we stand. i need to make my decision. but i cannot think at all right now when all you do is just quiet. your silent is killing me. it is eating me alive! i need to see the truth and brake away from this. but there is still apart of me that still clinging on to you and would be willing to accept and believe what ever you say... you have been the most important person in my life, and you will always be. i can't seem to find a way to forget you. sometime i wonder if you ever think of me the way i do now.

i have share so much of who i am with you. it takes time for me to really accept you at first because i am not the kind of person who share everything with people. i always keep everything to myself. how happy or how sad i was, no one knows (and no one wouldn't care less) and now it is even harder for me to forget what we have build all this while. you are the only one that i feel i can give all my trust and hope to. now you have broke that trust little by little. everything you have promised me you didn't keep it. everything you said you would do, you didn't do. i am not going to sound selfish because i know i am not perfect. for all the stupid mistakes if i have done, i am really sorry. believe me, i never meant to do it. i never want you to feel sad or being a burdensome. but if we are keep on going to be like this, nothing will change. we will be stuck here forever, with me trying to reach you, and being ignored by you over and over again.

i just want you to know, whatever it is that going on with you, i need to know that too. don't left me playing the game that is over long time ago. all i want to do right now is just to talk to you. please understand me. i won't force you anything. i will just listen to your decision and i will make mine too. whatever it is, i will always love you. i will always care about you...goodnight.

i cannot run in a clog...i do need help...please

life has been so cruel to me lately. its been four months now and i still can't quite figure out what is wrong with my life and why i have to go through all of this. i've been worried about you this whole 4 months and these peoples keep telling me that it is not worth it. they kept whispering to my ears that i've been dope and how poor i am. i hate it so much. i don't know which one to listen to, which one to ignore and which one that i should never give a damn! for all this time, i know it has always be me who will be put the blame on. but why it has to be me? for all i know, i have been so tolerate with you, i have given up so much of my life just to understand you. does it ever occur to you how would i felt being abandoned like this with no ideas of what is going on or what so ever! alright, attention everyone, keep avoiding me! i am so contagious!
this time around, it is so difficult and i can't do it on my own...please, i need help. i'm screaming for help but why would anyone bother? what good does it bring to them right?

judgemental

i hv always judge my decision...not to say that i am regretting them. it just sometime i don't do things because i think it is right or it is what i really want. am i so stupid? cause i really feel like one now. of all the people, you are the person that i am hoping who would support me, agree with me, whether i'm right or wrong, you are the one that i want to be there by my side no matter what. for just once, why can't you agree with on certain things. i don't ask much but your support. it is that keep me going....:(

is dis goodbye?

jus went bac from putrajaya,wat an experience ive gained n ive walked another step! yay! bac 2 whre i am, n nothing seems right, nothing seems 2b where they supposed 2b...now, im packing my bac for my 2months break, bac 2 my hometown, n leave all of dis, don wanna think bout it anymore. eventho it hurts me so, its better dis way. i think this is d n between us. theres no more us jus u,me. theres u, heres me...
nothing i cn change now evn i cry my heart out...its ok, time 2 move on now...its jus not worth da fight anymore. leaving tm n ready 2 start my new life...so long! (finger cross for a better days 2 come)

hmm...so sleepy...finally today runs quite smooth and everything seems to be fall into the right places. i have called my mom and wish her happy mother's day! yay! did'nt get the chance to talk to my dad, he's at work when i called home, but it's ok...i've done what my heart tells me to do.
and about, hmmm what can i say about you...it's all about you, it has always been about you...i don't wannabe selfish, i don't wanna sound paranoia, but i think we don't connect as we use to do now. i can count how many times you say i love you in a week! compare to the good old days where you says i love you more then 10 times a day! what had happened? are we cool? i hope it's just me, hope everything is ok. so sleepy cannot think anymore.
btw, happy mother's day once again to all mothers....peace

mother's day

hmm...mom,happy mother's day...i wish i could say it but i don't know how to say it. why it is hard for me to admit my mistakes! so many mistakes i have made but yet still could not find the right moment to say how sorry i am! argh!!!! i hate myself so much! last night, when daddy called me, i really want to talk to you so dearly! but after talking to you few seconds, i know you still mad at me and i never blame you for that....i know it has always be my mistakes, i know that. and it breakes my heart when you just pass the phone over to some one else, when all i want to do is just talking to you....and i...hate myself...i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.....(what more can i say) hmmm

the sound of your voice still echoes in my head, those words still linger in my mind...whatever happened that day, and how you felt was never my intention, and u should have known that was never my intention, not even after thousands of lifetime, i may never have the heart to hurt your feeling! you should have known that! yes, now i agree with what a friend of mine once said to me, life is useless when you are living without your parent blessing, especially your mom. but don't worry. I won't do what you did. (didn't have the guts...huu)

but still, i think maybe that is why i cannot sleep after this few days because i never had a guilt this big!

happy mother's day once again mom... and dad, thank you for all you have done and sacrifice for our family. you are the greatest person i would always cherish in my whole life. no one can ever compete you. thanks for always be there for me, through good and bad, thanks for not getting mad at me for all the stupid mistakes that i always did and seems like never stop doing it. i am truly sorry for everything.

if only.....hmmm

its been raining all day till now (3.22p.m). its cold (a bit lah...huuu) n its cloudy...excellent environment 2 sleep (yay!) if only....hmmm
yesterday horoscope said dat i might inherit money n a piece of land! if only! hmmm
today's? my lucky time is at 2. but i was lost in wonderland(sleeping) whoa....my bad....i wish im awake dat time, juz 2 find out how lucky i wud b...if only....
n da worst thing is my significant other's horoscope : its time 2 look elsewhere...hmmm...specifically where?....at me la....heee...if only
stil stuck here, like a stone,doing nothing n time seems like nvr ticking! was it worth it? i hope it wud b paid off n i'll hv fun there ( sumwhre only we kno ) hmm
last nite, my friends n i, celebrate our beloved and adorable friend's bday. juz da 6 of us there, lepak2 mkn kek smpai nk muntah....huuu ( terigt kek dat he bought 4 my besday...evntho its not my fav, but anything frm him makes my heart melt....n still melting...haha )

geramnya xleh tdo!

irony isnt it...i cant do wat i lov 2do.hahaha...mayb ive been doing it for quite sumtime now, so dh jd bosan with it....(bleh ke camtu?) huu...
actually, i cant get to sleep coz suddenly ive realize how stupid i am and how insensitive i was ( hopefully not nymore lah)...hmm...i feel so blessed with those around me, dunno what ive done right to be in this position i am.
proud to have friends that i hv, impress with what sum ppl hv sacrifice thru dis journey with me...every lil thing dat u did, always mark a special place in my heart. evntho sumtime i may not show it,doesnt mean dat i don feel it. this morning bru bca emel dat u sent me, eventho it was nothing, but it means a lot to me n im touched...hee ;p
thnx 2 everyone who'd meet me in ur life path, u guys r all wonderful person!
thnx God 4 juz another day uve given me! :D