livestrong

dulu org perna gtau dia, org xkn boley tdo selagi xwish gudnite kn? ni pn xde bezanya...dh bpe lama xwish u gudnite...n hw do i get to sleep at nite? well d answer is i don't ...i don't sleep...dh jd mcm panda je plk..haha...klu kuar,mesti kna mekap tebal sbb muka dh lesu sgt...haha
tp buknla xtdo lgsung, dun wori...i sleep while praying for your happiness and your prosperous life....be strong, believe in yourself, hv a lil faith in urself...u cn fight it! ;)

pengakuanku (tajuk mesti kna bes) hee

1st of all, tujuan surat nie bukn nk bg diasedeh or tension....jus rasa nk sembang2 dgn dia...dah dua bulan cuti, dua bulan jg xde sembang pe sgt dgn dia...
nov 29 2010 - org igt lg tarikh ni sbb dis is da last time we evr yming each other as n item...also da day when we r officially tru... :( pd tarikh ni jg dia gtau y dia dh kua dgn org len...xpela, org xslhkn dia. sket pun tak.percayalah..btw,she's cute ;)hee

dh lama xsembang2 dgn dia...rindu? dat could not even describe how i feel now. last few days,baca horoskop...hee...dan horoskop tu ckp org patut tulis emel dan gtau dia ap y org rasa sbnrnya...(ok, horoskop tu tulis,dia x ckp pn..huu) org stiasa risau sgt psai dia tau...skali dia sedeh, org 1000x lg rasa sedeh. org sbnrnya tau, dia sengaja wat mcm2 nk bg org xsuka dgn dia kn? tp 1je benda y slalu wat org bertahan slama ni pn. org pcaya evn skali dia perna wat org hepi, seribu kali org akn cuba wat dia rasa btol2 hepi mcm y org rasa. igtkn selama ni org dh bjaya wat dia hepidan lupa sket2 mslh dia...tp last2, camni jdnya. kita dh makin jauh antara satu sama lain kn? maybe im a quiter...maaf klu org xberjaya wat dia hepi. maaf klu org xmampu kotakan kata2 ni. mlm tu, lps dia kata y dia makin terok sbb org...org rasa sgt bersalah. dan kata2 tu jg y mjadi wake up call utk org sedar y selama ni org slalu wat dia susah. mungkin selama ni org pikir org tgh berusaha utk bg dia hepi, tp rupanya tak. org dh byk wat dia susah pd masa y sama.
honestly, org rasa sblom ni org leh d anggap selfish. sbb pentingkan kebahagiaan sdiri. org senang bila bsama dgn dia. jd org xnk kehilangan dia. tp lps dia ckp camtu, bru org sedar, mungkin dh smpai masanya org berhenti mjadi org y penting diri. bila dia ckp "we must stop here" org patutnya respect keputusan dia. org patutnya lebih pk kan hati dan perasaan dia plk.

stp ap y dia perna wat utk org slama ni, xperna org lupakn. org sgt bterima kasih. org rasa sgt btuah at least dpt knl a great person like u... :)
klu x silap, 1st dia gtau y dia xsehat, masa tu buln 4. after knowing dat, org byk bca kt web, i evn join ym group tau...a lot of nice n concern ppl who worry bout me (coz they tot i m da 1who hv it) hee..but they were nice to me...

31 aug 2010 - hey,stil remember dis day??? haha...dis one really funny! hepi sgt dia bwa org g i-city...wat a fun n memorable journey! tgk bunga api dgn dia...kter byk snap pic sna sni...n on dat nite...dgn xsengaja ad vid tu? igt x? haha...adoyai...btw, time 2 buln puasa kn? sbb kter ad g buka puasa reramai kn? but seyesli sgt enjoy la time 2, one of my most memorable experience tuh... :) nk tau ap y lg y memorable? hee

skrg bila dh cmni, xtau ap y org leh wat utk kurgkan tekanan or wat dia tsenyum lg...stp kali nk bcakap dgn dia, risau kot masa y xsesuai....org lak jenis byk tnya, risau kot org akn wat lg serabot lak...pcayalah, org bukn nk ignore dia...slalu je amik kesah ttg dia...slalu je tgk update2 dr dia...kdg 2 rasa cam nk write sumtg kt fb dia, tp terigt dlu klu org post ap2 dia mesti delete...huu...mungkin xsemua...tp ad je...huu

fyi, dlu kn msa sem bpe ntah, 1st time kter g library sama2 kn, dia ad bg org gula2...tp bukn kt org je, kt org len pun dia ad bg jg...tp kt org dia bg dua :) igt x? evn tu hnya gula2 biasa, but not for me. smpai skrg org stil simpan tau wrapper gula2 tu...hee

~to be continue~

apa salah saya?

hari ni hari hari terakhir awak kat sini. tp awak blk diam2, awak pergi xgtau sy pun. awak buat slide ttg pengalaman awk spjg belajar di sini, dan saya awak tulis "friends" not even good friend or close friends. sy pelik kenapa awak bersungguh2 xnk kita berkawan lg. dgn org lain awak ok je, awk boleh bergurau senda berbls komen dll...tp dgn sy, awk dh buat sy rasa mcm sampah. sy maafkan awk ttg hal y satu tu. sy pun xnk igt lg. tp sy tertanya2 ap slh sy smpai awk buat semua ni? kerasnya hati awk sanggup biar sy lalui semua ni. sy kenal awak. sy xkesah ap semua org kata ttg awak dan ap org pikir ttg sy. sy tetap percaya awak dan maafkan awak.

awak nk tau x, dh dua tiga hari kwn2 sy ni berperangai pelik. semua tgk sy semacam je. buat sy pikir mcm sy ni ada AIDS ke smpai camtu skali semua org avoid sy. skrg sy tgk semua org "celebrate" kejayaan kisah cinta diorg. tp sy? sy masih tgu awak dan menipu diri sendiri lg. sy dpt rasa mcm2 org bercakap d belakang sy. semua org kata sy bodoh dan menyedihkan. tp xpe awak, sy xkesah. sy tau ap y sy buat xslh dan xsakitkan spe2. lately sy sakit je belakang bila bnafas. maybe sbb stress sgt kot. tp sy rasa sy dh letih sgt dh awk, nk hadapi semua ni sorg diri. letih. letih sgt2. sy nk lupakan semua ni dan bgun seperti biasa.

setahun dr skrg kta akan convo. itu jelah hrpan sy peluang utk jumpa awak lg. xpe. sy akan tgu masa tu. sy harap kita akan bertemu lg. jaga diri dan kesihatan awak selalu. take care... :)
tp sy masih tertanya2 pd diri sdiri ap slh sy?

i hope you are happy too

how could you ever do this to me?

finally, you have the courage to tell me the truth, that you cheated on me. now it's 3:05 a.m, nov 29th we are officially through. even though you did not tell it to my face, but at least you have stop lying to me. i really don't want this to happen. i am so deeply in love with you. but still you want to let me go. i have give you a chance to be part of my life and you say no. so i don't want to beg anymore. my heart you've shattered. i hope i can be okay in the future with all the little pieces that was left.

and for you my dear love, it is okay with me. i will never hold grunge against you. you deserve the best in your life. i hope she can make you happier than i ever could. it is alright if you have found yourself someone new. i really wish you all the best in life and hope you will always be true to yourself. yeah i agree with you. life is tough. and you taught me how tough it can be.

heartless

as usual, i cannot sleep well. i woke up early but i force myself to continue sleeping because i hate waking up. the moment i open my eyes, tears falling down. every time i cry, my lips will get dry. every time i smile, this dry lips of mine will crack and bleed. and when it bleed, people will know that i have cried again. how can you be so heartless and do this to me?
how long will i have to put on this poker face? i feel like an absolute clown. now you never seems to bother about me at all. but why can't i feel the same way about you too? for all i know, this is all started from you. help me to understand why you hate me so much. tell me that i have been a bad person and the things that i have done wrong. it is better to be blame for all the wrong you did rather than be blame for something you did not do at all.

sad doesn't describe this at all

it's been quite sometime since my last blog. been quite busy for this is my last semester here and with my thesis to complete and everything. i have neglecting my "terompah besi" for months now...huu

now, i am back to where i used to be. lost and confuse with how you feel about me.you have been ignoring me for weeks now. sometime i wish to let go of everything and forget all about us. but i can't. what ever i do, it always lead me back to you. i cannot stop thinking about you. how can you be so cruel and left me wondering all alone about all of this. seriously, i don't know where we stand. i need to make my decision. but i cannot think at all right now when all you do is just quiet. your silent is killing me. it is eating me alive! i need to see the truth and brake away from this. but there is still apart of me that still clinging on to you and would be willing to accept and believe what ever you say... you have been the most important person in my life, and you will always be. i can't seem to find a way to forget you. sometime i wonder if you ever think of me the way i do now.

i have share so much of who i am with you. it takes time for me to really accept you at first because i am not the kind of person who share everything with people. i always keep everything to myself. how happy or how sad i was, no one knows (and no one wouldn't care less) and now it is even harder for me to forget what we have build all this while. you are the only one that i feel i can give all my trust and hope to. now you have broke that trust little by little. everything you have promised me you didn't keep it. everything you said you would do, you didn't do. i am not going to sound selfish because i know i am not perfect. for all the stupid mistakes if i have done, i am really sorry. believe me, i never meant to do it. i never want you to feel sad or being a burdensome. but if we are keep on going to be like this, nothing will change. we will be stuck here forever, with me trying to reach you, and being ignored by you over and over again.

i just want you to know, whatever it is that going on with you, i need to know that too. don't left me playing the game that is over long time ago. all i want to do right now is just to talk to you. please understand me. i won't force you anything. i will just listen to your decision and i will make mine too. whatever it is, i will always love you. i will always care about you...goodnight.

i cannot run in a clog...i do need help...please

life has been so cruel to me lately. its been four months now and i still can't quite figure out what is wrong with my life and why i have to go through all of this. i've been worried about you this whole 4 months and these peoples keep telling me that it is not worth it. they kept whispering to my ears that i've been dope and how poor i am. i hate it so much. i don't know which one to listen to, which one to ignore and which one that i should never give a damn! for all this time, i know it has always be me who will be put the blame on. but why it has to be me? for all i know, i have been so tolerate with you, i have given up so much of my life just to understand you. does it ever occur to you how would i felt being abandoned like this with no ideas of what is going on or what so ever! alright, attention everyone, keep avoiding me! i am so contagious!
this time around, it is so difficult and i can't do it on my own...please, i need help. i'm screaming for help but why would anyone bother? what good does it bring to them right?